Tuesday 5 October 2010

No diving, divebombing or heavy petting.....



I have recently turned 25, and via a small win on the genetic lottery I have always had a brilliantly fast metabolism, allowing me to literally eat a shish kebab every night and still cut a slim line figure (as you can imagine most of my female friends have a small amount of hatred for me.)

But as the mid-twenties loomed I noticed my metabolism slowing down and the paunchy belly creeping in. So I decided to take up some exercise that would keep me fit and healthy. I opted to go swimming, it being a complete body workout and also providing the added bonus of a free shower, which as we’ll all agree is something to be embraced in life.

On my first venture to the local leisure centre I was immediately reminded of what had put me off swimming all those years ago, and no it’s not the self consciousness of essentially being naked in front of strangers, (I mean I don’t want to boast but I look pretty hot in my Speedo all in one with matching goggles- one must always accessorise darling!) It is, in fact, the lane swimming system. Now, as with all ideas, on paper it looks great, the terrible and lazy swimmers can go in the Slow Lane, in the Medium Lane average joe can give a mid-paced breastroke their best shot (and who doesn’t enjoy a lovely spot of breastroke?) and the super speedy “I could’ve been a contender” wanabee Olympic swimmers can make waves in the Fast Lane.

However, as we all know this is not the reality. Not wanting to seem cocky I went for the Medium Lane, but within seconds I had someone behind me hitting my legs with their flailing arms as they seemed to be doing tryouts for the 2012 Games. I try to remedy this by graciously allowing them to go ahead of me, only to find myself being barged, splashed and repeatedly lapped.

Full of lane rage, in a last ditch attempt I moved over to the Fast Lane. I was worried people would think I was arrogant, but at this stage I was willing to take the risk – anything to escape the speed demon in the medium lane. I set off, and for the first few laps everything seems to be going shall we say swimmingly..... That is until the person in front of me apparently thinks its fine to do the slowest backcrawl in the world (or are they just drowning? It’s hard to tell...) and so with their furiously kicking feet inches from my nose, I give up and retire to the hot tub with my patience being the only thing exercised that evening.

So due to this traumatising experience, I have decided to launch a nationwide campaign. I propose there should be a “Swimming Test” carried out on every adult in the UK wanting to use a swimming pool, and at the end they are awarded either Slow, Medium or Fast lane swimming ability and under NO circumstances can they change it. I haven’t been in touch with David Cameron about the idea yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be up for it, after all the Tories are big fans of keeping people in their place (yes that’s right kids I got satirical- BOOM!) And until my idea becomes law I think I’ll have to stick to just one kebab a week.........